The Burnt Toast Theory: Debbie Downers and Pollyannas
The Burnt Toast Theory
In our daily lives, we encounter a wide range of personalities, beliefs and biases, some of which can significantly influence our outlook on life.
Debbie Downers and Pollyannas
Two contrasting archetypes (interestingly both females, however I am not going into that today) that often come to mind are Debbie Downer and Pollyanna. Pollyanna could be said to be embracing the Burnt Toast theory (read more below) which is currently going viral on social media.
(The Burnt Toast theory is a concept often used to explain why bad things can happen to people. It suggests that if someone consistently experiences negative or unfortunate events, it may be due to “burnt toast” in the cosmic order of things. The theory implies that just as one might occasionally get a piece of burnt toast in an otherwise perfectly functioning toaster, individuals may occasionally experience bad luck or unfortunate circumstances in an otherwise functioning universe. It serves as a whimsical way to explain the randomness and unpredictability of life’s challenges.)
While Debbie Downer embodies a pessimistic and negative attitude in our society (or does she?), Pollyanna represents an unwavering optimism. Surprisingly, both these characters can display aspects of what we can call “positive toxicity.”
Lets explore both of them.
Debbie Downer is typically associated with negativity, pessimism, and a constant focus on worst-case scenarios. She tends to highlight flaws, setbacks, and problems in any given situation, often dampening the enthusiasm and joy of those around her, “the dream killer” if you will. However, beneath her gloomy exterior, Debbie Downer may inadvertently create a sense of unity among others as they bond over their shared scepticism or cynicism. This shared negativity can lead to a sense of camaraderie, as individuals find solace in their mutual dissatisfaction.
Debbie can also be very realistic and might be one of the problem solvers of the world. Perhaps she has stepped into the dreaded drama triangle, only wishing to fix or solve, having no idea that she has become a persecutor.
Typical Debbie statements to watch out for in others and your own language would be “but….”In EFT we call this the tail ender. It can show resistance or rather, not feeling safe or not resonating with what is happening, or perhaps even a cognitive dissonance.
Other glaring statements are things that become a pattern, for example:
“I won a lottery ticket but it was too too late to claim”
“That restaurant you recommended was terrible”
“The holiday I booked was in the middle of a hurricane season”
Well you sort of get the picture…. However do be aware that there is a difference between Debbie Downer and Depression so again be mindful.
On the other hand, Pollyanna embodies an extreme form of optimism. She believes in always finding the silver lining, no matter how dire the circumstances. While this positivity can be inspiring, it can also become excessive and unrealistic. Pollyanna’s relentless optimism can lead to a dismissive attitude towards genuine concerns and problems. By constantly downplaying or ignoring the negatives, Pollyanna runs the risk of creating an environment where genuine issues are not adequately addressed or resolved.
For believers of Burnt Toast Theory, it can provide greater meaning to a seemingly small moment and can be a reminder that life’s irritations and divergences are all part of the journey ― perhaps even a blessing in disguise. They are always on the look out for each individual’s soul-utions, finding strategies and tools that can help them cope with adversity.
However what I find interesting, whilst working with physical and mental health for many years, I have noticed that not all physical dis-ease stem from the clients who express their anger, sadness, fear. In fact it is mostly clients that say, NO I am not angry, NO I always look on the bright side. YEP the Pollyanas, the peace makers of life, are actually in denial and suppressing their emotions, which merely express themselves in the physical body.
What on earth is going on when all of this think positive is being rammed down our throats? Whilst it can be helpful to some, it cannot be used as a blanket tool.
“this too shall pass”
“everything will be OK”
“I went through the same or similar thing and I’m OK”
“get over it”
“gosh you are negative”
DID YOU HAVE A PHYSICAL RESPONSE?
I invite you to step back and look at these 2 characters again.
Firstly, what happened when you read that paragraph, how did you feel?
Did your nervous system react so that you felt a visceral reaction, or did your mind jump in with your own thoughts, opinions and biases? Interesting isn’t it? Looking at our own personal reactions and responses, how our beliefs and biases will create that visceral response.
The concept of positive toxicity arises when the relentless pursuit of positivity becomes detrimental to personal growth and emotional well-being. These platitudes of thinly veiled spiritual bypassing, ‘everything happens for a reason’, can disempower and further validate any deep core beliefs, for example, that the world is not safe, that you have no control, which further invites the person to suppress their genuine emotions of grief, anger and/or sadness. When this happens, a person’s opportunity to process and learn is denied.
Both Debbie Downer and Pollyanna, despite their contrasting attitudes, exhibit elements of positive toxicity.
Debbie Downer’s negative outlook can inadvertently push individuals to confront problems and seek solutions. By highlighting potential pitfalls, she encourages critical thinking and risk management. On the other hand, Pollyanna’s excessive positivity may prevent individuals from acknowledging and addressing legitimate concerns, thereby hindering personal development.
Striking a Balance with the AND …
To avoid falling into the trap of positive toxicity, it is essential to strike a healthy balance between the perspectives of Debbie Downer and Pollyanna. Recognising the value of both optimism and realism is crucial. It’s essential to acknowledge and process negative emotions while also maintaining a hopeful outlook. By doing so, we can cultivate resilience, learn from challenges, and foster genuine personal growth.
How can we effectively address this situation?
Reframing and validating someone’s emotions:
“it’s OK to feel whatever you are feeling at this time”
“it’s OK to be negative about this right now”
“this is hard, and I know you have done hard things before”
“this really sucks right now, is there anything I can help with?’
Compassion Both For Self and The Other
Establishing clear boundaries is essential. It’s important to recognise the patterns we’re witnessing, even if the person involved may not be conscious of them; they may have developed as responses to trauma and evolved into ingrained behaviours.
We should articulate our observations of these behaviours, express our feelings about them, and consider the potential consequences if they persist. Then, crucially, we must discuss strategies for moving forward together.
Additionally, we should tap on our own belief systems and aspire to be flexible like bamboo in the wind, avoiding rigidity akin to dead bamboo. Cultivating self-compassion is key in this process.
What are your thoughts?
Again, EXPRESS YOUR EMOTIONS AND validate them! Avoid dismissing them, avoid stamping on them. These are parts that are simply part of you.
We can do this in various ways …. tapping, vu technique, journaling, etc. Come find out more ways on one of my upcoming workshops. See www.changeahead.biz/events